Voiceless conversations

- I have, on so many levels thought about you, and unable to distract my soul from uncontrollably falling for you, I tried to consider us, but I failed..

-- if I had the choice, I wouldn't have considered you in million years, but the soul doesn't not belong to the mind, it overpass it, it connects with another soul and resides..And my soul was drawn to yours..If you could know, how much you mean to me, how much sense you make, how much trust I have for you or the faith I have about us, you would realize how many times the status quo kills me everyday...I see in you the family I want

- I don't see in you mine, but I can't help not to relate a lot to you, without you knowing or me allowing it, you changed me, you changed how I look to a lot of things, what I want from many others and infected me with a lot of your beliefs..So to protect myself I had to rush in another relationship

-- I had a stupid conviction that deep inside you, there is that person who want more than an ordinary life, a life that has nothing but steady worldly gain and temporary happiness. I always thought that you have the potential to be up to something bigger than yourself and your needs and that little with which you shut up your sense of righteousness..I still see that for someone like you maybe it's not a luxury, it's an obligation, and I weep on that too, but I weep alone, I weep on people who are as good as yourself but set to lives as little as that..

- But I can't afford to have someone like you underneath me, someone I always have to stretch myself to be a match for, someone who would ripple my peace with her expectations and ambitious, someone who at a lot of times would ask me to break the norms and traditions and start improvising.. I want a life like the one I was raised up to, a calm nest where most of what I need to do is outside it

-- It always hurt me, how scared you were to try, how effortless you were to spare me your judgements and for the first time you made me agony for who I am, because although who I am is who I've wanted to be, but it was the reason why you rejected me

- I can no longer catch up even to this voiceless conversation, I've already found my comfort in keeping you without being involved..I might not want you as a partner but I sure would want you around maybe as a pretended frien. Yes I never gave you or myself the chance to pass my judgements into knowing you..but I'm secure with my conclusions

-- And I still wish...

Lost

The sun stretches its rays out, the sky turns into a light shade of blue, and my heart beats fast.
I walk the streets of a city that I once called home; only now, it is a stranger to me.
The morning is darker than usual. Maybe the sun hasn't completely risen yet, I tell myself.
I try not to remember all the memories I created in this hole. The ones full of life, happiness, and tears sometimes. Not because they're bad, but because I'm way over them; they're way too old.
I turn left and jog down the street, hoping I'd catch my then-favorite coffeeshop before it gets flooded with people - it was usually crowded on Saturday mornings, if I remember it right.
My Café au Lait tastes just how I've always liked it: bitter and dark. It brings the brightness back into my eyes, as I sit alone, thinking of the me I used to be, and the me I've become. I think of the ghostly figure walking all around the streets, unseen, but felt. The spirit that goes out, eats, drinks, but at the end of the day is still unacknowledged.
The air feels different. A spark that was once there isn't lighting how it used to. Some life returns to me, but not enough to keep me going through the day. I get up and walk some more, hoping that maybe amongst this place that I once called home, I'd find myself - again.

Associations!!

I grew up in my school understanding that my way to "acknowledgement" is through my "achievements" and that "education" is "painful", then I got exposed to society and became aware of the importance of "richness" to "happiness" and the causality of being "slim" to becoming "beautiful" and that being "popular" is my ticket to being "valued". And, as I was ready for my career, I found the advices everywhere; if you want to be "strong" you have to become "independent" and if you are determined to get ahead you must step on your "feminine" "emotions" and become "macho" like a "man", while through the journey of my career, I experienced the close relationship between "money" and "security".  When the time came for eventually realizing my "fantasy" and starting a  "relationship", I found myself "afraid" of "commitment". I decided I wanted more "freedom" so I became an "entrepreneur", I believed that my "dreams" are a continent away and I grew a passion for "traveling", I wanted to rebel from "obligations" and "responsibility" but I ended up "alone" and "lonely" so I wanted to go back to being "busy" to feel "important", but nothing satisfied me though. I decided to go back and revisit my life and see what could I fix, and I found out that I needed to fix my associations!! The associations that were installed by invisible hands in our systems long ago, associations that passed unfiltered and shaped our beliefs and left us confused in the middle of a very complex equation with misleading variables. Who said that the way to one's acknowledgement is how good an achiever he can become, not how good of a person he is, or that education is a painful journey that we strive to end, not a way of living! Who fabricated the lie that happiness is in materials and not a state of being, or that beauty has standards or that value is in crust and false flashlights. And who was disturbed enough to make women feel shameful for being emotional and oblige men to become macho and feelingless. What were the motives of the movie makers to create fantasies out of every relationship and make it such a false hope for everyone, a magical wand that would touch their lives and turn it into some sort of a Cinderella story!! And why do people sell their commitments as stories of suicide, attaching fear to every detail of it, leaving out the good ordeal to themselves!! In which chapter of success did you find freedom as a recipe!! And who started the naive idea that traveling is synonym to realizing dreams, when hard word, struggle and pain have always been..Yes, the world is so messed up but what is more messed up than the world is ourselves!!


 

The Purpose of You

At some point in your life you've probably heard the words 'purpose' or 'passion'. You spent so much time thinking what you want to do with your life, only to decide you're going to be just another one of the 'you's: you'll get a 'normal', sought for degree, get a job, and take the 'average' route from there.
You start believing that you've done nothing inspiring, that you'll never be able to change the world, and that you're no different than any person that got a 9-5 job.
But that's a lie. You're not just another you, and you aren't living and dying like just another somebody.
You're different.
You really are.
This life, it's like a building, and every one of us is a part, or a block, that is contributing in the process of setting this piece. If you think your part doesn't count, then whose does?
You may have not discovered the cure for cancer, or a new milky-way. Maybe you didn't save the Earth from global warming, or helped scientists stop pandas from extinction. Maybe it wasn't something remarkable, known or that changed the world. But you changed someone or something, and when you're gone, you'll have served your purpose. And that's enough.
اللهم استخدمنا ولا تستبدلنا.

Out of competition!!

In the pursuit of success and the making of a career, we learn something vital to our survival, something that becomes unconsciously integrated in our system and pattern; if you don't run as fast as you can, you probably won't get as much as you deserve..There is no time, no time to wait for a colleague to catch up, no time to do something outside your to do list, no time to pay forward something that won't return the favor, because we are in a RACE!! We are racing against a fierce competition, so standing for a moment to listen to your friend's applauses seems unaffordable, slowing down your pace for your family to be able to see you would waste your time, and stopping around the turns for an important conversation would definitely ruin your chances of success. And if that happens, if that happens, we would be so furious about the reasons that throttled our success and curse the incompetence of those who couldn't keep with our pace and hence lost us the race..A race that is so important to who we are because we are racing after the carrots that we deserve. But what we really need to learn in the process is to stop every once in a while and question if the carrots are really what we need?!! Because in the end, when we lose, we don't lose the carrots, we lose everything we thought the carrots meant to us...But then we would be out of competition, out of time!!

A tribute...

Nothing's more precious and long sought for like unconditional love, the kind of love that gives a lot and asks for no returns. One that balances the turbelance of our souls, and makes you feel safe to throw yourself in it's arms, for you know you will always be safely caught. A genuine love customized just for your needs, one that appreciate your flaws and sees deep beyond your words and into your meanings. An experience that elevates your soul and confirms your humanity, a love that connects you to a deeper dimension of existence. Such love is lived in a baby's first smile at you, a kid's helpless look seeking your reassurance, a mother's baked favourite just for you, a joyful jump of your dog at your sight, a warm hug from a horse who trusted your soul, a pur of a cat cuddling on your lap, a wholehearted worry from your loved ones, or a sincere prayer from your grandma in the beginning of your everyday. Whether it touched our soul for a moment or a lifetime, there was once another soul that rejoiced for the idea of our being, just our simple being without the extra add ons, improvements or changes. They appreciated the idea of who we are, not the possibility of who we could be and to them we pay a tribute..

Dark roasted

Nothing makes me happier than the aroma of a freshly opened jar of coffee. The strong brown grinds give me a taste of my own self. The distinguished intensity of coffee integrates smoothly with the fabrics of my soul, reminding me of how I should keep my own taste, and leave aside the voices that try to rub me from my flavor, or put me down for behaving different than the expectations.. Not everyone loves coffee, but there is something for everyone. Don't always expect that strength, self-sufficiency, determination and straightforwardness would be the choice of everyone. Neither would saying or doing what you believe is right always be applauded by the crowd. But would you stop boiling your water just because all you can find is ice tea?!! If you have set yourself to be of a strong taste then embrace your identity, for the dark roasted beans are usually the choice of the few...